i hate everything (but you).

I talk to myself. A lot. Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting this in front of, well, the internet, but I feel like it needs to be said.

I create scenarios in my mind of situations I may eventually face, conversations I may eventually have, and ways I will eventually deal with all of the above. Based on some information I have recently collected, I believe this is normal.

The debatable part of this ‘normalcy’ is one simple tiny minute detail that I don’t usually tell people lest they think I am coocoo for cocoa puffs. I have conversations with people who are not there.

Let me explain. I create hypothetical conversations with people who actually exist, but who are not in my presence at the time of said conversation.

I have done this ever since I was a little girl, and no one knows about it. It speaks to my desperate need to be heard, yet my complete inability to express myself through spoken word. Always in these pseudo conversations I am able to let someone know what I reallly think of them, or correct a mistake that would have ruined our friendship.

I don’t think this is harmful to myself or others. I don’t think it’s harmless either. Because life is never scripted. I can never tell someone what they should say to me.

There is such a valley between how life is and how I think it should be. This is something I should fix, but I don’t think I will. I rather like these made up conversations. Maybe I’ll have the guts to actually say what I mean someday. But until that day comes, I will be the crazy lady who talks to herself about herself.


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