sway to the rhythm of love.

I often wonder what my life will be like when I get married. Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I think I should examine a few things before some dear man enters my life permanently.

I see a lot of people getting married and switching up their lives for their spouse. Some even start that process before the elusive engagement ring mysteriously appears on their finger.

I am so used to doing things a certain way. I am slightly concerned that I won’t be able to acclimate well to married life, if that is what I am called to.

I like going to bed whenever I want. I like playing the guitar at 11pm. I enjoy watching season after season of Bones, ignoring the pile of laundry on the floor. I delight in putting on a dress and dancing in my room for ten minutes before throwing on pajamas and doing a crossword. I occasionally skip meals and don’t feel guilty. I sleep with a fan on always. I sporadically clean whenever I want. I don’t like doing yard work. I write messages to myself on my mirrors. I like clocks. I leave towels on the floor. I don’t make my bed. I have old ratty fuzzy pink slippers that are so comfortable. I kill every insect I find. I go where I want without telling anyone.

How on earth can you add another person into that insanity? It would so limit my freedom and spontaneity. But that’s probably just my realistic world clashing with my idealistic world. I just don’t see how 2 + 2 could ever = 4 in my world(s).

It’s so selfish of me, to think only of what I’d be losing in the deal. Because everyone I know says that giving up my messy bed and random bedtimes will be worth it. But honestly, I don’t get it. I get the companionship and the love and the sex and the hand holding and the laughter and the memories and all of that. But if my life feels great now, why should I change it just because someone says that the unknown will be better.

I’m not against marriage, for me or anyone else. I just have these unresolved musings and I figure that getting them out now is better than getting them out after the first anniversary.


casimir pulaski day.

There is so much…just too much. I always want to give each post its own individual topic. But I’m afraid that’s not possible this time. I have too much taking root in my brain to give this post any boundaries. So here’s a nice caveat for you: I am very tired and very inspired and very nonsensical.

So much is changing. Why am I opposed to it? It’s been years since Rafiki spoke those words: Change is good. But I still don’t agree with it. Through everything I have never received the good that was supposed to accompany change. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to know how.

I hope that what will really matter after all is that I have faith that there is good here, in this shifting sand. I don’t know what, or how to use it, but I believe there is good in everything.

Change too often shows me what I lack in my life. It often brings up my selfishness, self centeredness. I, I, I.

I’m tired of myself. I’m sick of the same thoughts, the same patterns of dealing with crap, the same reactions.

I’m sorry. There is no pretty little bow at the end of this post. I can’t wrap this up neatly and put it away. I’m sleepy. There are too many thoughts, or too few. Or maybe I just need the woods and a blanket and you. You’re pretty awesome, you know.

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