there’s no end to affection you have for me!

My nephew was born a few weeks ago and I was so honored to be a part of that process. I’ve relived it so many times and each memory is precious.

Noah can’t talk, he can’t think cognitively, he doesn’t know how to interact with others. But he is my favorite person in the whole world. I am happiest when I’m holding him; he is the best part of me. I can’t explain that, and honestly I don’t want to psychoanalyze it. There is a beautiful simplicity to our relationship right now, and I believe it is more than enough to fill up my heart for a lifetime.

He came out of my cousin and into the world with blood and screaming and tears. He will most likely experience blood and screaming and tears sometime in his life. But his very existence in this world is a miracle. He survived the blood and screaming and tears, he lives in spite of everything he has experienced so far. This is what I am learning from him. In all of the mess of his birth he is a beautiful survivor.

And this is the grace in it all: That God sees me like I see Noah. I am a mess, bloody and screaming and filled with angry tears. At times I am not happy with anything He does for me. But I know that his heart fills up with love when he looks at me, when he holds me and kisses my cheek. The very breath in my lungs is air he breathed first. I look like him, I sing like him, maybe I even talk like him. And every interaction with me makes his heart swell. Even when all I’m doing is breathing, he is so proud of me.

Do you see? It is never because of what we do. His heart fills with love for us because of who we are.

It will never be about how dirty we are, or how much we cry, or how needy we think we are. It’s about the fact that he is our Daddy, and he can’t help himself. He just loves us because we are his kids. It’s beautiful and simple and wonderful and radical.

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oh, it is love.

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.” William Shakespeare.

My Love treats me like a princess. I don’t know how he does it, but I know there is only love, infinite love behind it all. It blows me away every time I see a sunset or hear laughter or listen to music. He offers me everything, even himself. And I can do nothing but gaze up at him in awe and adoration.

I don’t love him enough, but there is no ‘enough’ with him. His only desire is to be desired by me. Just loving, the meager amount that I can, is ‘enough’.

And what is love, if not a response to who he is? If I love at all it can’t help but be evident to the world. If there is that great strong root of grace secured deep in my heart, I have no choice: I will act upon it.

This is not what I intended to write about. But nothing ever is. I have so much to learn, especially the lesson of enjoying the process. Do I really see him in everything? Am I “pure in heart”? Because I want to be, if only to see my Abba!

He is always the point. It’s not to live a holy life, it’s not to be the wisest or the healthiest or the one who tithes the most. He is our purpose. If we do any of it for ourselves we waste our precious time.

“How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?”

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