sway to the rhythm of love.

I often wonder what my life will be like when I get married. Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I think I should examine a few things before some dear man enters my life permanently.

I see a lot of people getting married and switching up their lives for their spouse. Some even start that process before the elusive engagement ring mysteriously appears on their finger.

I am so used to doing things a certain way. I am slightly concerned that I won’t be able to acclimate well to married life, if that is what I am called to.

I like going to bed whenever I want. I like playing the guitar at 11pm. I enjoy watching season after season of Bones, ignoring the pile of laundry on the floor. I delight in putting on a dress and dancing in my room for ten minutes before throwing on pajamas and doing a crossword. I occasionally skip meals and don’t feel guilty. I sleep with a fan on always. I sporadically clean whenever I want. I don’t like doing yard work. I write messages to myself on my mirrors. I like clocks. I leave towels on the floor. I don’t make my bed. I have old ratty fuzzy pink slippers that are so comfortable. I kill every insect I find. I go where I want without telling anyone.

How on earth can you add another person into that insanity? It would so limit my freedom and spontaneity. But that’s probably just my realistic world clashing with my idealistic world. I just don’t see how 2 + 2 could ever = 4 in my world(s).

It’s so selfish of me, to think only of what I’d be losing in the deal. Because everyone I know says that giving up my messy bed and random bedtimes will be worth it. But honestly, I don’t get it. I get the companionship and the love and the sex and the hand holding and the laughter and the memories and all of that. But if my life feels great now, why should I change it just because someone says that the unknown will be better.

I’m not against marriage, for me or anyone else. I just have these unresolved musings and I figure that getting them out now is better than getting them out after the first anniversary.
Thoughts?

perfector.

I get experience envy. When someone tells me about certain experiences they have had in life, I get more than a little jealous. It’s not that I’m angry or hurt or disappointed with my life. It’s just that there’s some sort of longing inside of me to do more, see more, live more than I have been.

I’m not sure this longing will subside over time. It seems like an insatiable desire to squeeze every molecule out of life that I possibly can. Is this good? Aren’t we so often told in religious circles that we ought to be content in all things? Am I being a bad Christian if I desire more out of life than what it can give me?

I don’t think so. On the contrary, I would venture to say that contentment and complacency are close cousins. There is a difference, but it has gotten so blurred in our pretense of playing church. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been told to ‘wait on the Lord’. ‘Let go and let God.’ ‘Be still and know…’

STOP!

First of all, the whole translation of the word “wait” in scripture doesn’t do it justice. It was intended to be closer to our word for serving. So when we are told to wait on the Lord, it literally means that we are supposed to be in service to him.

Second, when did Jesus ever wait silently and submissively when he wanted to do something? Never. He just did it! He knew what he wanted to accomplish in his lifetime and he didn’t sit around and wait for the deacons approval or for the fundraisers to be organized or for his diploma. When he recognized and understood the anointing on his life, he started walking the path.

When we asked God questions like “Do you want me to go to college or work full time?” I believe Gods response is not yes/no/wait. I believe he looks at us, his creation, and says “Yep.” We are his beloved and he will bless what we put our hearts toward. If I wanted to fly a plane, I believe I could…because God loves me and wants me to succeed at everything I do in life.

So when I say that I have experience envy, I mean that I know I can do whatever I desire with Gods blessing and I hate limiting myself. There is so much for me to see and do and love! And I will do it all, more than I can dream up right now! This longing inside me is true and right. He placed it and he will fulfill it.

His love is intensive and his grace overwhelming. Doesn’t that make you want to get up and go move?!

please speak well of me.

I feel like anything I write at this point will become a hinderance in some fashion. I don’t know. I get anxious sometimes that what I write is too lofty, too grammatically incorrect, too much from my own heart for anyone to understand.

And sometimes things overlap in my head. Mostly I get nervous that what I write will have no meaning at all. Maybe it doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. There are times when creativity gives me shivers. But I often think that what I have to offer is in no way unique, that I most likely wrote about the topic a month ago or others have already driven the point home or the words I choose are unintelligible and superfluous. (hmm.)

But. (you knew it was coming)

But the very fact that I have these thoughts, I feel, is a good thing. There are things in my life that I routinely question, and I love it. If I didn’t ask myself whether or not there was a point to my writing, would I ever know the answer? No.

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes. He who doesn’t ask is a fool forever.” Chinese Proverb.

I love and hate challenging the status quo. It has always made me uncomfortable to ask questions, but I need less comfort in my life.

I need less me in my life.

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