touch my mouth and hold my tongue.

I have said many words in my 26 years on this earth. Kind words mixed with hateful things, cutting and affirming, self-deprecating, boastful, angry screams, soft whispers, loving thoughts, curious musings. Some in different languages, some in gibberish, some in a tongue only Jesus can hear.

And I’m slowly trying to apologize for every single one of them. I have been selfish and cutting and harmful in the quest for myself. My tongue has been my master and it has exploited both of us in ways we may not yet know. I have done no service but for myself. 

This may seem counter-productive, adding more words to the ones I already wish I could take back. Please forgive me for whatever negative thing may come from this.

And now begins the journey toward listening and thinking and treasuring. Being silent more often than not. Using actions to convey my heart-thoughts. Giving of myself in new and sincere ways. There is so much ground to cover and I fear it will be this way for the rest of my life. And if you hear these words in your own head/heart and do not understand what they mean, please cast them aside and forget them. There is enough confusion in this world without my influence. 

May peace invade our conversations. May love be the language we speak among each other. May our tongues drip with encouragement and affirmation. May we be students of each other in ways that will rearrange our relationships.

they say that the captain stays fast with the ship

Lack of motivation has always been a problem for me. I can be so inspired one day and so apathetic the next. It’s incredible. It also doesn’t help that I have to blog from my mobile phone instead of the computation machine that I don’t have yet. Do you know how frustrating autocorrect can be?
But I digress.

There are things I want to say, but don’t because I have the very exasperating impulse to make everyone think I’m Switzerland. If I do take a stand it seems that it has become the new sport to try to shoot me down with as much complex wit as possible. I can handle my sarcasm, almost as much as I can handle flying an airplane.
I have always felt a bit overwhelmed and disgusted with sarcastic wit, at least the kind that degrades and objectifies others. But it has become vogue to put people down. The conversational style of selfish abandon has become a hindrance to compassion and selfless love. Do we really value our opinions to such a degree that we are willing to sacrifice the friendships of those around us?

It is a mark of how careless we have become with our lives. Hilarious as it might be, I just don’t understand the mentality of destruction. And please take me at my word when I say destructive.

I am not plucking specks out of your eyes. I am looking in the mirror at my own glaring plank and asking myself how it even got there in the first place. Humility. What on earth does this look like? Real, honest, from-the-heart humility. I do not have this within myself. I need it, welcome it. I am at the end of myself. There is nothing good within me. So here is Jesus. And I am sorry for the harm and destruction my tongue has caused. I am sorry. And I love you.

Now I am become Death: destroyer of worlds.

J Robert Oppenheimer; creator of the atomic bomb.

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